The Test In My Testimony

So this is it, I'm typing which makes it even more real to me funny how things don't seem real to us or we can shove them to the side and forget about it until we put it in black and white in front of our eyes to see, for everyone to see. But I'm doing this not for me, but to share with others, maybe to warn them, maybe to save them because they too are going through their very own test, just so they know that no matter how far gone they think they are all hope is never lost that they to can make their way back to God and to where he wants them to be. God doesn't let bad things happen to us, what happens to us is not his fault it's just life and he gave us the free will to respond to our various situations as we see fit. Sometimes we make the right choices sometimes we don't make the right choices at the end of the day it's all up to us we can choose what is pleasing to God or we can choose what we view as pleasing to ourselves.
Lets go back like hmmm we'll say 10 years I was married to my ex husband then had my third child our son. My marriage was pretty much always abusive off and on before I had my son but this was the point where my test got harder. I was doing my best to live a good life, I was teaching Sunday school, going to church, trying to work on my marriage even though even then I knew we weren't going to make it we had already separated twice in our 10 year marriage. I had our son and I thought things would get better well I had hoped cause honestly in my heart of hearts I knew it wouldn't get better cause we already had two daughters together and well lets see it didn't get better with them either. But after having our son I got some test results back that were abnormal precancerous cells stage 3 in transition into cancer but not cancer, had to have biopsy's and a few other procedures. During that time with my failing abusive marriage and health issues and being an overwhelmed mother of three life was hard, I felt alone totally and utterly alone. My ex looked at me upon the diagnosis and said I'm not lucky enough for you to die wow here I am scared 27 years old with three children that belong to you and this is how you treat me, I don't know why I expected him to respond any differently maybe I had hoped somewhere that he would come to his senses and see that I needed him but no such luck. I felt alone though even at church with people who had known me since I was five years old. I didn't even feel God cared or was around my life spun into a black hole of nothingness the only people I had were my children at least that's how I saw it sure I know my family and close friends cared about me but I can't tell you exactly why I felt so alone. My world was crashing around me I realized that this marriage wouldn't ever be what I wanted it to be, my spiritual life was empty as well.So I decided that I was done I was finished which church and I resigned as Sunday school teacher I just didn't have it in me to teach or attend church my life was crashing around me my horrible marriage, my health and my sense of loneliness. I let it all go and I stepped off into waters I had no business in, I did not become an atheist I saw myself more as an agnostic.
Just so we are clear on the difference between an agnostic and an atheist here are the definitions:
Agnostic: a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as God, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience. Synonyms: disbeliever, nonbeliever, unbeliever; doubter, skeptic, secularist, empiricist; heathen, heretic, infidel, pagan.
Atheist:1.the doctrine or belief that there is no God.
2.disbelief in the existence of a supreme being or beings.

See I believed that there was God or something more than just myself just what, who and etc I wasn't certain of anymore. My take on things became vastly different. My new found theory on Hell became this: There was no hell because I found living here on earth to be as close to hell as I could imagine, let me expound upon that to me my life was hell the only good in it were my children. My thoughts were in this life we watch those we love suffer, hurt, and die. We also suffer, hurt and die to me this was hell. With all the pain in the world how could this not possibly be hell. I allowed doubt to creep into my life and when doubt creeps in we question everything we ever believed or know to be true. I felt God had turned his back on me as my world crumbled, but now I know that it wasn't he that turned his back on me, it was I who turned my back and became blinded by my own problems my own issues. So after I developed this "Agnostic" view on life, I hung with some friends of mine who had views similar to this, they were Pagan/Wiccian's and I found their beliefs and practices intriguing and interesting as I've always found things like this interesting even as a teenager I use to love to study different religions, and beliefs. I admit it I even dabbled a little in their belief system while I was on my Agnostic trip. I drifted further way from what my heart of hearts knew was right. I listened to these people call Christian's sheep mindless sheep. I started to take on their point of views even while I wandered. I was going to school, raising my children, I got to the point in my marriage where I didn't care anymore I was done I was in counseling for a year for Panic Attacks, Anxiety and Depression because of my failing marriage. It's bad when you have a sense of dread when you have to be around the one you married. My ex wouldn't ever go with me cause it was "my problem" not "his" it was all my issues everything was always my fault. It's hard to get over years of being told your ignorant, fat, ugly, worthless,(insert a few swear words here) I was called everything but a child of God which at this time I wasn't even being a child of God. It's hard to get past being shoved around and choked, and cheated on betrayal in every imaginable form I felt worthless. But after a year of counseling and being in school and finding a little self worth it took one more time of him telling me how stupid I was when I finally snapped and said you know what your absolutely right and the stupidest thing I ever did was put up with you all these years I'm done we are over I'm filing for a divorce I wont live like this anymore. This time was different there was no turning back there was no going back I was done I wanted this divorce more than anything because he wasn't ever going to change he proved that time and time again. So here I was a single mom of three living on my own and going to school what an experience but for the first time in a long time there were no more panic attacks, there was no more anxiety and there was no more depression I had some peace in my life I didn't have to worry if he was going to go off the deep end, I didn't have to listen to anymore insults, I didn't have to feel like I wasn't good enough I was free, free to do what I want with my life, free to enjoy my children and my life.
Eventually I did pull myself away from my Agnostic views...because in my heart of hearts I knew there was but one God and I knew I didn't believe the same as my friends did, I knew better but yet I still did not return to God or living my life as I should, being the example I should have been as a mother.
After awhile of being single I met Wayne, wow is all I could say he was everything that my ex wasn't and that I wanted in a person to spend my life with. I was treated like a princess for the first time in my life and he loved my children as his own and he was good to them life was perfect and falling back into place in a way it had never been. You'd think I'd be thanking God for this but I was still busy doing whatever Lori wanted to do. So we got married, had Noah and then moved to England. This was the first big move of my life 30 years old and away from family, friends everything I ever knew and again I felt alone. Stress of work for Wayne, stress of being so far away from everything I ever knew and loved caused so much pain for both of us. We turned into people weren't when we met. Arguments about money, kids, life...it was bad. We couldn't agree on anything anymore and I was on the brink of leaving honestly. But I hung on hoping that things would get better when we moved back home to the US but, nope not so granted it wasn't as bad but it was far from great. Now I credit my wonderful God loving friends for having my back with their prayers for me and my family cause this time last year I was ready to punch the clock on our marriage. My life was lacking in so many ways I was not happy at all. My friends would tell me to just pray Lori, talk to God and pray and I was so far down and so far away I couldn't find the words I could not pray why would he listen to me now? I hadn't lived my life for him in years. To be sure God had no use to hear from me. They insisted pray Lori pray, I'm praying for you Lori and I thanked them because I just couldn't do it my mouth, my heart couldn't utter any prayer at all. Then one day and this is why this song means so much to me and why I love it so much I heard Praise You In The Storm by Casting Crowns and I cried my eyes out cause I knew through my storm, through my trials, God had never left me..I knew I was the one who turned my back on him he had not left me alone to suffer, to be miserable he was waiting on me to seek him and it was my choice to walk away. For the first time I could pray because I knew that he would hear me and that he would forgive me and that he would help me if I just let him. Here it is a year later, I have found a wonderful church full of wonderful people I love, I have found my way back to God and I promise this no matter what test I may encounter, no matter what twist or turns life may have I will go through them with God by my side I will never walk away again I will be whatever God wants me to be, I will do what he asks of me because I know that he is the constant in my life, unwavering, and will always see me through it all. My marriage isn't perfect but it's better than it was this time last year and we still have our issues but I'm still here and every time I feel like I've had it God gives me the strength to hold on and to try again so I know that this is where I'm suppose to be and I know in his time things will improve even more so. The problems me and my oldest use to have aren't as bad as they use to be and we are communicating better these days. For a long time I held hate and contempt in my heart against my Ex for everything he ever put me through, but with God in my heart I don't have room for hate and contempt and I have found forgiveness for him and our past as well, though I admit sometimes he'll say or do something that makes me angry over the last few months God has really helped me see that anger, isn't the way to deal with him, prayer is. Things are getting better I wish that I could better explain the peace I have within my heart these day's but truly I have no words to describe that to anyone other than it's a feeling of calmness, a feeling that no matter what we face it's going to be alright because God is in our lives. I wish everyone could know this peace it's so much better than anything I've ever had before in my heart. I'm taking a big risk putting this out here I have to be honest I have thought about writing this blog many times but I stopped because I feared being judged by others for my past, but honestly it's my past not my present and it does not define who I am now but it has helped make me who I am now and my sins of my past, my short comings have been forgiven by God who loves me and accepts me. I know I still have day's where I stumble..we all do if we are honest but when we have God in our hearts he calls us out those of you who know God and have him in your life know that's true when you say or do something that God would not agree with there is that voice that says now you know better than that and I am thankful for that voice it keeps me in check! For awhile I looked back and I felt like I wasted a lot of time running from God, but now I look and I see that it doesn't matter and I shouldn't look back at it as wasted time it was time I learned some lessons I needed to. I look at it as me getting so broken down that I only had one choice and that was to get down on my knees and look up and pray for God to bring me out of where I was and put me where I needed to be. So this blog has been written it may not be my best blog but it was something I needed to write and I needed to put out there to let someone know it doesn't matter how far down the wrong road you think you have traveled, God loves you and he is just waiting for you to come to him he hasn't turned his back on you he's patiently waiting for you to see that you do need him in your life. I wont say it'll be all roses and it'll always be easy because that's not the way life works but I will say this you will know peace, you will know love, and you will know forgiveness and all of that will make it better and worth it!

Do Your Possessions Possess You?

Let me start this note with a questions, do your possessions possess you? Do you own them or do they own you? Are you a slave to a material society?  In a recent disagreement with my spouse of all people these questions have been bouncing around in my mind. Why is everyone so worried about having more, getting more? What good does it really do you, can you take it with you when you leave this world behind? See I have always been a rather simple person not simple minded mind you but simple in respect to the way I'd rather live my life. I'm happy with having my bills paid, I'm happy with having a roof over my head and food in the house, a car to get me where I need to go. I don't have to have high end items they are meaningless to me I don't care if you wear this brand or that brand I buy what's on sale myself. There are so many people out there that don't have a home, food, or the ability to buy new clothes I feel if you have these things you should point blank just be thankful for what you have, you should count your blessings and not look with envy upon what others have because there are those who would be envious of what you have. For those who know my husband well enough yall know he chases that elusive boat and he was squawking yet again about wanting a boat and etc and it really bugged me. I told him to quit fixating on what he wanted and what others had and count his blessings because there are others who would love to be in his shoes, a warm house to come into, a truck to drive, food, and a family. I just can't wrap my mind around how people who have these things could ever get so fixated on wanting something else...can't take that boat with you when your time is up and until you appreciate what you have and understand just how blessed you are I imagine that boat will continue to elude you. At the end of this discussion he thanked me for bringing him back down to reality and humbling him just a little. So there's my big thought for today, do your possessions possess you? And if so don't you think that you might want to change that?