Give Me A Break

As I sit here this morning I have so much on my mind and on my heart. I try so hard to be a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother, I know I'm not perfect, I know I am not blameless I know things don't just fall apart over night. I accept that it takes two to argue but I have gotten to where I don't argue unless the words are so hurtful to my heart but there are times my heart is numb and void of feelings. I don't like that, I don't like emotionless, I don't like emptiness, I don't like anger, I don't like harsh words because they create harsh and hard feelings, that is not who I am, it is not who I want to be, it is not who I was created to be. I want happiness, peace, love, I know blended families are hard but I also know that things at first were working great! I go back and forth on what I should do, what I want to do, what I need to do, on what is right when it comes to our relationship. I struggle so much with this! I love my husband but I can't deal with how he acts, every time I am just about down and I'm fed up I take a deep breath and I dive back in and I try harder to make it work, but what if its just me trying to fit a square peg into a round hole no matter how you try, no matter how much strength you put into it...it'll never fit...it'll never work...but yet I keep trying. I pray that God gives me guidance on how to do this, how to fix us, or which way I should go in our lives together.  I don't want to just be another statistic, I don't want yet another failed marriage, I don't want our children to grow up in a house without their father I already have 3 that have that kind of life I don't want that for the other two as well. But I don't want the stress, or the anger either. My head hurts it has hurt since yesterday afternoon from stress, from not knowing what to do I know where to turn, I know to turn to God I know to trust in his will and direction for my life, I know with God and in God I am strong even when I feel weak I know I'll get past all this and I'll overcome the stress. I just wish things would just go right for once it seems like for every step forward we take we go backwards 2 or 3 steps. I just can't bring myself to deal with the back and forth behavior one day it's I love you you are the best wife in the world, the next day it's you suck and a few other choice words I mean really??? I don't deserve this junk, no one does. *sigh* I probably shouldn't even be writing this blog but I just need to get it out of my mind and onto something. I just no longer know what to do myself stay, leave, I just don't know anymore. So here I am...about void of feelings...tired....broken continuously over and over again...but I know God will give me what I need to keep on going..I just need a little break it seems like the hits just keep coming and coming these day's. What is right always triumphs over what is wrong I do believe that. So I'll continue to push forward with God leading the way. I just need a wee little break from it all some rest, and some peace.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

There's a country song I love called Life Ain't Always Beautiful here are the lyrics to it:
Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

CHOURS
No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain't always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life ain't always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

There are so many young people who just don't  get it, life is hard yes it'll knock you on your rear end, it'll break your heart on some days, on others it'll be the best thing ever, your heart will soar like an eagle. Life has it's ups and downs for all of us and things do not come easy at all! Things you want you have to work for, relationships, a life of your own, a home of your own, a place in this world ...... it just doesn't come easy, I wish it did but life had no easy button at all and yet so many people act like it's just them and it's not. Every single one of us have gone through some stuff in our lives. I know that I have gone through a lot of stuff, but you know what I survived it and I keep on surviving and what I've done from all the rough stuff in my life is I have learned to put it in a postive  light rather than focus on the poor poor pitiful me aspect! I have learned to grow from mistakes I've made and things I've gone through yes my friends sometimes happiness is a CHOICE! True I do struggle with anxiety from time to time it's life I deal with it, NO ONE is perfect! I also have learned that putting my faith, my hope and my life in God's hands is so much better than leaving it all in my hands! The power of prayer and of God's grace and mercy is sufficient and awesome!  Too many people put their lives and happiness in the hands of other people...you can't count on other people or other things to make you happy,  learning to walk with God can make you happier, and learning to deal with life as it is and in relation to yourself can make you happier but other people and other things....no that wont make you happy it may give you a temporary fix but it wont suffice eventually that will not work anymore. So in my life I have been given up on by medical doctors who wanted to end me before I began, I was bullied and teased in school from elementary school till I dropped out in high school, I was in an abusive marriage, I have faced a few health issues all spliced up in there through out my life, one that almost cost me my life when I was 15 and then a few other near misses. I have issues in my current marriage and I have other family issues as well. No it isn't easy but I don't complain about it I don't throw myself a pity party, there are people out there that have had it worse than me on my worst days and I have learned from each thing I have faced, each battle I have had to come up against! And life hasn't always been beautiful that is for sure but I would not trade one minuet of my life to be anyone or anywhere else this is my life I don't let situations define me I let God define me. There are moments of splendor and beauty and I cherish them and those times are well worth dealing with the not so beautiful parts of life! It's your life...it's your choice....you going to live it and be victorious....or are you going to let it defeat you and define you?

Come on 2013

That is it I am officially ready for 2013 to come on! This year hasn't been exactly kind to me but I suppose when you step back and look at it the good does out weigh the bad. My health this year has been questionable. But my faith has been stronger, my real friends have been brought closer, and God has guided me and directed me in a way that I have never allowed him to do before.So yes the good does indeed out weigh the bad but I would love for my health to improve drastically this coming year! I'm toying with the idea of working on  my weight loss again I had for a long time did really well but now I'm bigger than I have ever been and dealing with chest pains for about 24 hours has me thinking Lori you have GOT to do better than this you have five children who count on you (well 4 children and 1 adult child oh and a husband too)! I am just so weak in this area of my life! I have tried and tried again and I'd do well I'd lose 50-60 pounds I know how to do it I am totally educated on how to lose weight it's just I'll lose that 50-60 pounds and I wont lose anymore than that and I'd like to lose more than that. But I'm going to give it all I got, get back into walking, eating right, doing 5K's I'm going to break this cycle because I have to I truly do before it is my heart causing me issues I have too many people who depend on me and I'm not ready to leave them behind because I want to watch them grow. But this is one of my biggest weaknesses. I have got to find a way to overcome it. I hope that I will be sitting here a year from now talking about how well I'm feeling and how great I'm doing hopefully I will be, but there is one thing for sure no matter how that works out I'll be sitting here telling you how good God is that's for sure!Because even in the middle of my health issues here and there, my family issues, my own little issues God is great and greatly to be praised for all the good he does give me in my life!

Where Did He Go?

This blog may or may not ever see the light of day, I am not sure just yet. I have so much on my mind and my heart. I saw something that made me face a truth I have known for sometime I've seen the signs and symptoms and as someone who has take many many Psychology courses I know in my heart of hearts it's true weather or not my husband will admit it or not. Let me take you guys back about 8 years more specifically the month of September of 2004. Wayne and I had just gotten married in July of 2004, and found out we were expecting Noah in August of 2004 after we had dated for quite sometime, we were online friends first and then moved on to dating. We fell in love with each other and it was the kind of inseparable love, we didn't like being a part, we were always on each others minds. We'd talk on the phone for hours and spent time together every single chance we got. We decided to buy a house and get married and so we did, shortly after getting married we found out he was going to be deployed and then we found out we were expecting Noah. So all amid all this excitement, happiness and love...there was a sense of fear, worry and what not layered under it all with deployment being certain. He was set to leave for Iraq September 15,2004 this was the very last time I saw the man I married the loving, kind, caring, do anything for you make you feel like a princess man I married. He was only deployed four months but it was a long four months being pregnant and raising my older three children and holding down the fort while he was gone was something I did do and I did it well but it wasn't easy. There were moments of fear and anxiety and I hid it from the kids I refused to fall apart in front of them I know I probably did a handful of times but over all I did really well. My weakest moments I think was when my son Matthew who adored Wayne and Matthew was 3 years old back then grabbed a hold of some guys leg who had on a pair of BDU's and squealed WAYNE at the top of his little lungs cause he thought the guy was his step daddy he didn't look up he just saw the pants and associated it as what Wayne wore every day, the man understood he put his hand on his head and said sorry buddy I'm not Wayne but I bet he's one lucky guy to have a little guy like you so excited to see him. Then there came the instant that Matthew thought Wayne had left us, kids coming from an already broken home are at times insecure so since Wayne was gone for a bit Matthew started crying and I said son what is the matter and he said Wayne left us and he's never coming back to home. It broke my heart but thank God for an awesome first shirt Wayne had back at Pope AFB he called to check in on us that afternoon to see if he could help with anything yard work, repairs anything I needed, and I told him about Matthew's little episode and how I had tried to explain to him Wayne was away at work. Well he said Mrs.Metayer give me a bit and I'll get a hold of Wayne and have him call Matthew, an hour or so passed and it was Wayne on the phone to talk to Matthew after the reassurance from Wayne Matthew felt much better and knew he'd see his step daddy again. Wayne became a big part in my older three children's lives because their father never really connected with them and did much with them and Wayne would take them to the park, out for ice cream, hikes we had a blast as a family. Our lives all changed drastically while he was gone the fun and laughter seemed to leave with him. We had our moments but things were more bitter sweet without him. He remained very loving and supportive through out his deployment in fact he had arranged for roses to be delivered on the 2nd of every month to mark the day we got married. Never before had I ever had anyone treat me with so much love as Wayne treated me. Well the months went by we muddled through I had my ultrasound appointment in December to see if Noah was a boy or a girl I had a gut feeling we were having a boy and I had told Wayne all along our baby was a boy so Matthew and I headed off for the appointment together cause the girls were in school, it was confirmed I was correct (mommy's have  away of knowing sometimes) I took Matthew to meet up with a few other spouses and to let him play and have lunch, my cellphone rang I was expecting his call because I knew how excited he was to find out if he was going to have a son or a daughter. So when my phone rang with the DSN number I was so excited to tell him he was going to be a daddy to a baby boy. He was soooo happy and excited you could hear it in his voice he like no really really we are having a boy really don't play with me we are really having a son! He told everyone around him that he was going to have a son he was happy, and he was proud! After that the month flew by...January 17th, 2005 my husband was to return home on January 16th I got a call to confirm from him he was out of Iraq thank you God for keeping him safe because in the back of your mind the whole time you are going through a deployment you worry about was that last kiss I gave him going to be our real last kiss, will I see that smile, hear that voice, feel that touch, hold his hand, will he be here to make me laugh, raise our children there are sooo many thoughts, sooo many memories flood your mind at night time after the kids are in bed and there are no distractions, distractions like kids, friends, cleaning keep your mind from making you freak out and remain frozen but night time all those thoughts consume you well they consumed me, I slept with a picture of him and the last shirt he wore I didn't wash it I kept it cause I could smell him, some people might see that as weird or creepy but to me it made me feel close to him. but January 17th finally arrived I was so nervous, happy, excited to the point I felt sick. I entered the gate on base Matthew was with me and I couldn't choke back the tears of happiness and excitement perhaps the hormones of being pregnant added to these tears, but I doubt it cause even writing this, remembering it I have tears flowing down my cheeks. I was crying and my son said from the backseat said mommy don't cry Pooky is coming home (shhh that was my and still is my pet name for him) a 3 year old don't understand tears of relief and happiness they only think of sadness or pain when they see tears. We made it to the area where they were coming in to on the bus, Wayne's 1st shirt was there he was awesome but I about died laughing when he was talking to Matthew he said hey son what are you up to today and Matthew said very loudly and proudly we have come to get Pooky and take him home!  Laughter did erupt needless to say. Anyways he arrived I had never been so happy to see another human being in my whole life this man was my other half as corny as it sounds he did complete me I felt whole when he was home! When he left you couldn't really tell I was pregnant but by the time he got home I was 5 months or so pregnant and he was like oh wow so there is Pooky Jr. he was happy to be home with us. The first little bit of him being home was great it was as if he had never left. We were all happy and enjoying each other. Soon we were welcoming Noah into the world and then a few weeks after his birth we noticed something was wrong with our son, that's when I noticed it in Wayne....he could not cope with or deal with stressful situations anymore. He lost his temper, he yelled and he had a shorter fuse. Sure having a sick baby who required surgery is stressful but...not so much to the point you yell at people. I had noticed that certain things before made him a little edgy, Ft. Bragg would have the cannons and what not go off and if we happened to be in bed and he was holding me he held on to me tighter, I noticed that the sound bothered him. Sitting back looking at all we have been through together over the last six years fussing, arguing and etc it all started after he came back from Iraq he hasn't coped well with anxiety and stress at all. I realize that I truly did kiss my husband goodbye on that day in September 2004 because he was changed. I don't know if any amount of hoping is going to ever put things back together again! I realize being in a war zone is a life changing event, having rocket going off around you landing 10-20 feet from you, seeing a guy from the same base you were at sent home in a box, and sitting through alarm red after alarm red and fearing you wont make it home to your family  those things change people sometimes in good ways it gives them wake up calls sometimes in negative ways. I miss the man that I married so much and I often wonder where he went..deep down I know the truth. But then again deep down I also know that when he left I lost some of me too. I truly do love my husband God knows that more than anything about me is that I have so much love for him, it's just so hard to deal with him getting angry, him yelling and his man tantrums as I like to call them, it get's so hard! I pray and I pray that God will make him whole that he will heal whatever has gone wrong in him. I pray God will return to me my husband, my heart, my other half.I fight the urge to walk away, I fight the urge to throw my hands up those things would be an easy way out and people would understand if I said I couldn't take it anymore...but at the end of the day I don't know if I could live with walking away and giving up...but then again how much should one person take? I see saw with these thoughts I live in my own land of confusion, what is right, what is just, what is wrong, what can I live with, what can I live without...maybe this changed him..maybe it changed me as well...maybe we are both battling with our own turmoil within ourselves..But God please hear my cry I want my marriage, I want my children's father and I want them to know the man he was before and the woman I use to be as well. I no longer want to be who we have become...

Growing Through Learning

Four weeks ago I began my educational journey into the direction I felt God was guiding me. I am absolutely loving it! Before this class started I spent just a small amount of time in God's word, I did my daily devotional, and I did my children's daily devotional, I said my prayers and I thanked God for all that he has given me in my life. But my first class which is Apologetics has me digging into God's word more. It has shown me so much about myself and as well has educated me on how to approach others as well. I've totally fallen in love with this class and I'm eagerly awaiting my next class to start. I have learned to be quite a little bit more and to allow what I read to sink in, to get more into God's word and allow him to speak to me through his word. I know without a doubt I am headed in the right direction. When it comes to school in the past I have felt stressed out, worried anxious but I look forward to my time every day studying, reading and learning more and growing in God and going in the direction that he is sending me! Who knows which way this will lead me but as long as I play follow the leader it's going to be great because God is my leader and I will follow where ever he sends me. In fact I have loved the time I have spent studying and getting more and more into God's word that I have opted to cut out the extra time I spend on facebook which is one of my weaknesses because I love to talk to my friends and catch up on what's going on in their worlds now I will check in once in the morning and before bedtime but I am refocusing a lot of my priorities God being the number 1 priority, then my spouse and my children! I have a lot of internal sorting going on as well that I'm not going to put it out there in the public eye because we are going through a lot still have one thing hanging over our heads that is causing some intense worry but we are making plans and doing all that we can do but most of all I know no matter what God will provide a way for this situation to play out, I find myself reminding myself that God closes one door sometimes and opens and even better door for us if we just trust in him!