Where Did He Go?

This blog may or may not ever see the light of day, I am not sure just yet. I have so much on my mind and my heart. I saw something that made me face a truth I have known for sometime I've seen the signs and symptoms and as someone who has take many many Psychology courses I know in my heart of hearts it's true weather or not my husband will admit it or not. Let me take you guys back about 8 years more specifically the month of September of 2004. Wayne and I had just gotten married in July of 2004, and found out we were expecting Noah in August of 2004 after we had dated for quite sometime, we were online friends first and then moved on to dating. We fell in love with each other and it was the kind of inseparable love, we didn't like being a part, we were always on each others minds. We'd talk on the phone for hours and spent time together every single chance we got. We decided to buy a house and get married and so we did, shortly after getting married we found out he was going to be deployed and then we found out we were expecting Noah. So all amid all this excitement, happiness and love...there was a sense of fear, worry and what not layered under it all with deployment being certain. He was set to leave for Iraq September 15,2004 this was the very last time I saw the man I married the loving, kind, caring, do anything for you make you feel like a princess man I married. He was only deployed four months but it was a long four months being pregnant and raising my older three children and holding down the fort while he was gone was something I did do and I did it well but it wasn't easy. There were moments of fear and anxiety and I hid it from the kids I refused to fall apart in front of them I know I probably did a handful of times but over all I did really well. My weakest moments I think was when my son Matthew who adored Wayne and Matthew was 3 years old back then grabbed a hold of some guys leg who had on a pair of BDU's and squealed WAYNE at the top of his little lungs cause he thought the guy was his step daddy he didn't look up he just saw the pants and associated it as what Wayne wore every day, the man understood he put his hand on his head and said sorry buddy I'm not Wayne but I bet he's one lucky guy to have a little guy like you so excited to see him. Then there came the instant that Matthew thought Wayne had left us, kids coming from an already broken home are at times insecure so since Wayne was gone for a bit Matthew started crying and I said son what is the matter and he said Wayne left us and he's never coming back to home. It broke my heart but thank God for an awesome first shirt Wayne had back at Pope AFB he called to check in on us that afternoon to see if he could help with anything yard work, repairs anything I needed, and I told him about Matthew's little episode and how I had tried to explain to him Wayne was away at work. Well he said Mrs.Metayer give me a bit and I'll get a hold of Wayne and have him call Matthew, an hour or so passed and it was Wayne on the phone to talk to Matthew after the reassurance from Wayne Matthew felt much better and knew he'd see his step daddy again. Wayne became a big part in my older three children's lives because their father never really connected with them and did much with them and Wayne would take them to the park, out for ice cream, hikes we had a blast as a family. Our lives all changed drastically while he was gone the fun and laughter seemed to leave with him. We had our moments but things were more bitter sweet without him. He remained very loving and supportive through out his deployment in fact he had arranged for roses to be delivered on the 2nd of every month to mark the day we got married. Never before had I ever had anyone treat me with so much love as Wayne treated me. Well the months went by we muddled through I had my ultrasound appointment in December to see if Noah was a boy or a girl I had a gut feeling we were having a boy and I had told Wayne all along our baby was a boy so Matthew and I headed off for the appointment together cause the girls were in school, it was confirmed I was correct (mommy's have  away of knowing sometimes) I took Matthew to meet up with a few other spouses and to let him play and have lunch, my cellphone rang I was expecting his call because I knew how excited he was to find out if he was going to have a son or a daughter. So when my phone rang with the DSN number I was so excited to tell him he was going to be a daddy to a baby boy. He was soooo happy and excited you could hear it in his voice he like no really really we are having a boy really don't play with me we are really having a son! He told everyone around him that he was going to have a son he was happy, and he was proud! After that the month flew by...January 17th, 2005 my husband was to return home on January 16th I got a call to confirm from him he was out of Iraq thank you God for keeping him safe because in the back of your mind the whole time you are going through a deployment you worry about was that last kiss I gave him going to be our real last kiss, will I see that smile, hear that voice, feel that touch, hold his hand, will he be here to make me laugh, raise our children there are sooo many thoughts, sooo many memories flood your mind at night time after the kids are in bed and there are no distractions, distractions like kids, friends, cleaning keep your mind from making you freak out and remain frozen but night time all those thoughts consume you well they consumed me, I slept with a picture of him and the last shirt he wore I didn't wash it I kept it cause I could smell him, some people might see that as weird or creepy but to me it made me feel close to him. but January 17th finally arrived I was so nervous, happy, excited to the point I felt sick. I entered the gate on base Matthew was with me and I couldn't choke back the tears of happiness and excitement perhaps the hormones of being pregnant added to these tears, but I doubt it cause even writing this, remembering it I have tears flowing down my cheeks. I was crying and my son said from the backseat said mommy don't cry Pooky is coming home (shhh that was my and still is my pet name for him) a 3 year old don't understand tears of relief and happiness they only think of sadness or pain when they see tears. We made it to the area where they were coming in to on the bus, Wayne's 1st shirt was there he was awesome but I about died laughing when he was talking to Matthew he said hey son what are you up to today and Matthew said very loudly and proudly we have come to get Pooky and take him home!  Laughter did erupt needless to say. Anyways he arrived I had never been so happy to see another human being in my whole life this man was my other half as corny as it sounds he did complete me I felt whole when he was home! When he left you couldn't really tell I was pregnant but by the time he got home I was 5 months or so pregnant and he was like oh wow so there is Pooky Jr. he was happy to be home with us. The first little bit of him being home was great it was as if he had never left. We were all happy and enjoying each other. Soon we were welcoming Noah into the world and then a few weeks after his birth we noticed something was wrong with our son, that's when I noticed it in Wayne....he could not cope with or deal with stressful situations anymore. He lost his temper, he yelled and he had a shorter fuse. Sure having a sick baby who required surgery is stressful but...not so much to the point you yell at people. I had noticed that certain things before made him a little edgy, Ft. Bragg would have the cannons and what not go off and if we happened to be in bed and he was holding me he held on to me tighter, I noticed that the sound bothered him. Sitting back looking at all we have been through together over the last six years fussing, arguing and etc it all started after he came back from Iraq he hasn't coped well with anxiety and stress at all. I realize that I truly did kiss my husband goodbye on that day in September 2004 because he was changed. I don't know if any amount of hoping is going to ever put things back together again! I realize being in a war zone is a life changing event, having rocket going off around you landing 10-20 feet from you, seeing a guy from the same base you were at sent home in a box, and sitting through alarm red after alarm red and fearing you wont make it home to your family  those things change people sometimes in good ways it gives them wake up calls sometimes in negative ways. I miss the man that I married so much and I often wonder where he went..deep down I know the truth. But then again deep down I also know that when he left I lost some of me too. I truly do love my husband God knows that more than anything about me is that I have so much love for him, it's just so hard to deal with him getting angry, him yelling and his man tantrums as I like to call them, it get's so hard! I pray and I pray that God will make him whole that he will heal whatever has gone wrong in him. I pray God will return to me my husband, my heart, my other half.I fight the urge to walk away, I fight the urge to throw my hands up those things would be an easy way out and people would understand if I said I couldn't take it anymore...but at the end of the day I don't know if I could live with walking away and giving up...but then again how much should one person take? I see saw with these thoughts I live in my own land of confusion, what is right, what is just, what is wrong, what can I live with, what can I live without...maybe this changed him..maybe it changed me as well...maybe we are both battling with our own turmoil within ourselves..But God please hear my cry I want my marriage, I want my children's father and I want them to know the man he was before and the woman I use to be as well. I no longer want to be who we have become...