Give Me A Break

As I sit here this morning I have so much on my mind and on my heart. I try so hard to be a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother, I know I'm not perfect, I know I am not blameless I know things don't just fall apart over night. I accept that it takes two to argue but I have gotten to where I don't argue unless the words are so hurtful to my heart but there are times my heart is numb and void of feelings. I don't like that, I don't like emotionless, I don't like emptiness, I don't like anger, I don't like harsh words because they create harsh and hard feelings, that is not who I am, it is not who I want to be, it is not who I was created to be. I want happiness, peace, love, I know blended families are hard but I also know that things at first were working great! I go back and forth on what I should do, what I want to do, what I need to do, on what is right when it comes to our relationship. I struggle so much with this! I love my husband but I can't deal with how he acts, every time I am just about down and I'm fed up I take a deep breath and I dive back in and I try harder to make it work, but what if its just me trying to fit a square peg into a round hole no matter how you try, no matter how much strength you put into it...it'll never fit...it'll never work...but yet I keep trying. I pray that God gives me guidance on how to do this, how to fix us, or which way I should go in our lives together.  I don't want to just be another statistic, I don't want yet another failed marriage, I don't want our children to grow up in a house without their father I already have 3 that have that kind of life I don't want that for the other two as well. But I don't want the stress, or the anger either. My head hurts it has hurt since yesterday afternoon from stress, from not knowing what to do I know where to turn, I know to turn to God I know to trust in his will and direction for my life, I know with God and in God I am strong even when I feel weak I know I'll get past all this and I'll overcome the stress. I just wish things would just go right for once it seems like for every step forward we take we go backwards 2 or 3 steps. I just can't bring myself to deal with the back and forth behavior one day it's I love you you are the best wife in the world, the next day it's you suck and a few other choice words I mean really??? I don't deserve this junk, no one does. *sigh* I probably shouldn't even be writing this blog but I just need to get it out of my mind and onto something. I just no longer know what to do myself stay, leave, I just don't know anymore. So here I am...about void of feelings...tired....broken continuously over and over again...but I know God will give me what I need to keep on going..I just need a little break it seems like the hits just keep coming and coming these day's. What is right always triumphs over what is wrong I do believe that. So I'll continue to push forward with God leading the way. I just need a wee little break from it all some rest, and some peace.